The ball is rolling

The ball is rolling and it becomes more and more real each day. Lots of preliminaries have already begun like doctor appointments, working on drafts of the contract, I have told my immediate family, days have been set for a counseling session, and for the guys to come and meet my mom. It's wonderful to know that we are doing everything in our power to set ourselves up to create the best possible circumstances for this new baby.

All the nitty-gritty aside... it becomes more and more real to me each day. Little things, like noticing that I've started calling them 'The Boys' when talking to my family. I already feel a heart tug to their family and think about how they are doing. I find myself very proud of 'the boys' and what they have made of their lives. Today specifically, I was thinking about how exciting it is to be such a significant part of their lives by getting to protect and carry a baby they have always wanted. 

This really is quite an opportunity for me. I never have wanted to have children of my own. Don't get me wrong, I love people and even little ones but I have never had a strong urge to be a mother. I think in some ways this uniquely equips me to be able to carry their baby. One of the strongest emotions in me lately has been the joy of knowing how excited and happy they are as they look to their future. 

The more we prepare and get through some of these vital initial steps, the more confident that I become. It's clear to me, their hearts are the size of the moon, and their willingness to do everything necessary to protect and nurture not only this child, but me also has touched my heart.

In the blink of an eye

The last three days have been some of the most exciting, love filled, mind bending days of my life. 

I have recently reconnected with my friend and have had the joy of meeting his partner of 8 years, and they had shared with me that they have desired to have a child together and had pursued the idea of having a surrogate in the past. It became clear to me very quickly that these two men have huge hearts, love each other deeply, and are men of character. They touched my heart. 

I came away from spending time with them and started to do research on surrogacy. The process of mulling over the idea began in my head and my heart. I found though that I am far from a perfect candidate. I am a bit older than preferred, a bit more than a bit outside of the 'perfect' weight range and I have not had any children of my own. But still, something inside of me would not let go. 

I sat down with them over a wonderful meal to enjoy their company. I knew that I was going to ask. Ask where their hearts were regarding the hope for a baby. Slowly, they began to realize that I wasn't just being polite but that I was considering helping them to make that happen. We talked and talked, and my heart grew and grew. I couldn't sleep. WAS I going to make a commitment to them? I found that I was starting to make lists of what I needed to do. And stopped myself, realizing what I was doing. 

The Ah Ha moment came when I asked myself how I would feel if I chose not to do it. My heart dropped to my feet and the ache was physical. In that moment of the early morning I knew. I want this.The next morning I shared with them that my answer was Yes. Tears and hugs commenced. It was very beautiful.

There already have been a ton of questions about what this process looks like and how do we go from here. And honestly, today has been a day of tears because of fears and misunderstandings. This is unexplored territory for all three of us. I wish that I could guarantee smooth sailing, but realistically life is not so predictable. But what today has done for me is that it has cemented my commitment.

• I commit that I will do everything in my power to guard your hearts to the best of my ability. 
• I commit to work through whatever obstacles  we face and believe that we can overcome them as a team.
• I commit my time to you. I will persevere and do what it takes to make it to that day when there is a baby in your arms.
• I commit my heart to you. I promise to keep my heart open and real. This for me, is the scariest of all.

I don't know what lies ahead. The unknowns have potential for pain and I can be uberly realistic about that, BUT the unknowns also have potential for deep love and great joy. For this, I willingly take the risk.